i searched for meaning

a poem from 9•11•21 : with reflections

i searched for meaning in the butterfly that flew around me in my backyard

and the symbolism in the orange kitten that was engulfed with hunger chasing a frog.

i stood there and tried to see the beauty in this scene

with a million mosquitos nourishing themselves from my lineage

and a pile of beer cans beside me.

i realized there was no meaning,

and that in itself was so freeing

and meant everything.

i searched for meaning in the rotting pomegranates that hung from a tree across the street in high summertime

and the symbolism between me and my goddess persephone.

maybe demeter and her seed are speaking through biblical meaning,

maybe she destroyed crops before their time for me.

maybe nothing means anything

and once i accepted this it was freeing,

it meant everything.

i searched for meaning in the single palm tree on fire my father and i saw driving.

and the symbolism in the silence as we discovered it.

just acknowledgement and acceptance in moving on.

i choked on tears and suppressed my emotions.

and i realized nothing has meaning unless you assign it

and that in itself was so freeing and meant everything.

when i was at one of my lowest, searching for meaning and messages from something greater than myself. i saw one of the stray kittens playing with a frog and then i noticed this beautiful butterfly. after this i had a streak of events that just felt like signs and messages from the universe. such biblical intense symbolism just appearing during my rock bottom. the pomegranate tree in my neighbors yard, the palm tree on fire as we drove across the highway. but i could not for the life of me figure out what the message was. what was i to learn? i was frothing at the mouth, begging for clarity. shouting into a void, though expressive and freeing, does not bring action and change. i realized my own magic during this time. that the way i view the world is poetic and meaningful. not everything is a sign. sometimes the earth is just reminding you to listen. and when you listen to yourself and the world around you, you open yourself up to truly live as you are meant to.